Archive for October, 2008

Maurading Malcontent from the Fury Dimension

Posted in Music on October 31, 2008 by trapperKeeper

Beware of fury pirates.  Their adorability is only a facade hiding their true intentions to pillage wherever they please.  After playing music into all hours of the night and getting sufficiently lit, gangs of cat pirates, utilizing cat’s natural ninja skills, will create havoc while humans sleep and stomachs ache.  I have seen the future in my dreams.  Stella will claw my eyes out while I am sleeping while appearing to innocently be kneading my face.

In honor of cats, here is James Knight & the Butlers “Funky Cat.”  Perfect to smoke catnip to, so let me hear some bics flick.

“I want some catnip baby!”

I’m Your Sex Puppet (Kels’ Steppin’ Remix)

Posted in humor, life, Music, politics on October 29, 2008 by trapperKeeper

If you think that John McCain & the Grand Old Party are finished, think again. Like Rocky, they have been battered, beaten, and left for dead. Did Rocky give in when a steroided-out commie was cracking him like the Liberty Bell? No, Rock doesn’t give up. Not to a Russian, Mr. T, dignity, or death. Much like the Rockster, McCane and the Elephants are using their time down on the mat to think out their final offensive. I think I know what they have in store.  Obama is a bit like Barry Sanders. He is hard to bring down.  But there is one act that will strike fear into the hearts of all white men and women and have them punching the Neo-Con ticket. Yes, the Harold Ford strategy will be tapped again but this time on a whole new level.

While McCain’s strategists have used Obama’s non-white skin against him, whether implicitly or explicitly, they still have yet to really play the black man/white woman card.  So coming soon, the Obama sex-tape.  Modeled after the R. Kelly sex-tape, the GOP will find an Obama look-alike and persuade this doppelganger by carrot or stick to engage in perverted sex acts on tape with a blond, blue-eyed, lily-white, American heartland barely legal sweetheart.  Irrational fears of Obama being a Muslim, a terrorist, a socialist, and a black man have only worked on the most ignorant of the American populace.  But alien-like acts of intercourse on tape would be enough.  Perhaps the R. Kelly lookalike could reprise his role and appear on the Obama tape.  Why continue scraping the bottom of the barrel when there is a gusher waiting to be unleashed?  Find some soft money, perfect eating for those with brittle or no teeth, to fund it and get this tape made.  History vindicates the victorious; hell is warm and there are no taxes.

In honor of the Kels idea I feel obligated to share a few favorite cuts from the Windy City crooner.

“Down Low (Nobody Has to Know)” finds the illustrious Kels paired with Ronald & Ernie Isley, two legends whose music strongly influenced Kels.  Singing about a secret passion, the Isley Brothers’ style meshes well with Kelly’s.

Listen up to the advice dropped by the mad doctor of love on “Bump’n’Grind (Old School Mix).”  Prescribing some old-fashioned boots knockin’, albeit in the age of thongs.  He will make you sing like a mockingbird being bronco bucked.    “Show me some I.D. before I get me deep into you.”  Oh Kels, talking the talk but not walking the walk.  I guess he likes to live dangerously.

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Mr. Busdriver, Spare a Poor Chap Some Pity.

Posted in Music on October 28, 2008 by trapperKeeper

“Everything Good is Bad” by the Politicians is a gorgeous song.  A beautiful melodic string mixes with an effective bass line, which sounds like it could be bass line on a hit Motown song.  Rhythm guitar also lets its’ presence be known.  I especially like the string arrangement around the 2:15 mark.  Embrace duality and the paradoxical nature of life.

After a few listens, I couldn’t deal with not knowing where that bass line came from.  My gut response placed the musicians in the Detroit-area, due to the Motown sound. My gut was right on.  In fact, the Politicians consisted of members from the Motown house band who had left to join Holland-Dozier-Holland, a new label from hit Motown songwriters.  This crew was joined by McKinley Jackson, a trombone player who came over from Funkadelic.  The Detroit music scene had to be so crazy back in the late 1960s and early 1970s.


Joe the Plumber, Larry the Cable Guy, and Huckster Populism

Posted in humor, Music, politics on October 25, 2008 by trapperKeeper

My friends, I am calling on Chef the chef, Mr. Rogers the child entertainer, Jack the ripper, Count Chocula the cereal vampire, Leatherface the butcher, Phil the economist, Larry the bagger, and all other people with first names and jobs, with alarming news. Hopefully, historians will view this act as my Paul Revere moment. Well, my friends, I am going to ring the bell whether you want to hear it or not.

Mr. Obama will raise your taxes! He wants to spread the wealth around! My friends, that’s socialism. My friends, Senator Osama is SOCIALIST. I have proof that not only is he a pinko, liberal, godless, terrorist, Muslim communist, but he is a Manchurian candidate. In fact, my friends, Hussein is not even a legal citizen of the greatest nation on earth. A nation blessed with the white god’s blessing and benevolence; bestowed with his omnipresent wisdom. My friends, how do you think I have the solutions to everything? Illegal aliens have been stealing from America for long enough. Now one has the gall to run for president and talks of spreading the wealth around.

My friends, I will repeat it again. It is that important. E.T. wants to redistribute wealth, but is not interested in policies that grow our economy and create jobs and opportunities for all Americans. Senator Communist is more interested in controlling who gets your piece of the pie than he is in growing the pie. These are tough times. When times get tough I, like many Americans, turn to pie, to the solace provided when it hugs your insides with its’ American wholesomeness. Lest you think this is the worst of the situation, what time of year is rearing its seam-busting head? The holiday season, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Are pies not popular desserts at holiday parties? Already entering pumpkin pie season, this is no time to be redistributing the pie, but growing the pie.

On top of all these red flags, there is one even more egregious than all the others added up. He is known for taking multiple candies from public and private candy trays! As an older person, I am on a limited budget already and the government mandates that I have so many pieces of hard candy on my person and around my properties at all times. Known candy filchers cannot be trusted to redistribute pie. If you put McCain-Lieberman, oops, I mean McCain-Palin in the White House, I promise I will march to Washington and make sure that the government doesn’t lay its’ hands on your pie. Vote for pie you can believe in!

(Help the stock market has fallen & can’t get up)

DJ Assault’s “Sweet Potato Pie” has the word pie in the title and is about pie, at least on some level, so I have decided to drop another ghettotech morsel.

Half-Man, Half-Alligator. Whole Zombie! (Contains 0 Trans Fat)

Posted in humor, Music on October 24, 2008 by trapperKeeper

Screamin’ Jay Hawkins has been inescapable on my speakers since unearthing a few albums of his as of two days ago.  “Alligator Wine” is just as insane as Hawkins’ songs.  Recorded live in 1984, Screamin’ is backed by a band named the Fuzztones on the track.  The lyrics are ludicrous from the get-go but the apex of lunacy is not seen until the end.  Wherever, SJH goes swampy funkiness follows.  Carry a strong flashlight and a good set of ears. Zombies may be lurking.  Or alligators.  Or backwoods southern types.  Or some crazy combination of the three.  Half-man, half-alligator.  Whole zombie.  Aim for its’ hybrid sapien/reptilian brain.

Kool Keith reminds me a lot of Screamin’ Jay, so his song “Halfsharkhalfalligatorhalfman.”  Playing his Dr. Octagon character, Kool Keith is way off the deep end on the legendary Dr. Octagon album.  Better to just listen to experience.  Words are always limiting, but egregiously so in this instance.

Got the Creative Constipation Blues? Just take a Crystal Dream!

Posted in humor, Music on October 23, 2008 by trapperKeeper

High School Musical 4: Senior Prom

Yes, that’s right, production has already started on HSM4:SP.  One movie is not enough to cover the opiated happiness that washes over when 20 year olds pretend to be teenagers.  Get Disnified.  We all know how America loves things that are barely legal and believing in alternative realities.  Thus HSM4:SP should be a smashing success because it features barely legal young adults engaging in various debaucherous prom night activities.  Underage drinking?  Sure.  Other illicit substances?  Why not.  Drug-fueled orgy?  Well, of course. Acts of masochism & sexual humiliation?   A resounding yes.  Gross acts at a strip club?  How could we not.  Plus more. All set in a storybook setting with musical numbers up the ying yang.  Did I say ying-yang?  Yes, I did because the twins will be making an appearance performing their old hit “Whistle While You Twerk”.  Come one, call all.  HSM4:SP is the spectacle of the fall.  Will you see the belle of the ball?

The critics are raving about it.

“Never have nihilistic acts, perversions, and fetishism’s been so family friendly!”

“A Super-Cali-Fragil-istic-sploogy-ali-docious romp for the whole family (including the fetus)!”

“So catchy, you’ll be surprised at the words coming out of your mouth.”

“Guaranteed to make your life better!”

“Stuffed like a sausage with ideas for teens!  Loaded like Harrison Ford at the Oscars with role models!”

Coming this November 24th!  Come celebrate Brumalia with the old high school gang!

Screamin’ Jay Hawkins “Constipation Blues” is bonkers!  From the title to the lyrics to constipated pooping noises, Screamin’ Jay feels the “Constipation Blues” and advises to just let it go.  Screamin’ Jay even replicates the sound of a turd hitting the toilet water.  Astounding!  Stupendous! Atrosious!  In all likelihood, the best song about constipation and defecating ever.

The Lizard King Smells of Rot & Desperation

Posted in humor, Music, politics on October 23, 2008 by trapperKeeper

Black Sabbath’s “Hand of Doom” is an apt description of the campaign run by the Lizard King, and his puppeteers, also known as the neo-cons.  Fear has been there big theme; some real change that is.  Having no chance of winning the election, even allowing for usual level of voter disenfranchisement the Republicans have been known for recently, only two scenarios spring to mind how they could maintain their power.  Cancellation of the election due to catastrophic events or, the more likely of the two scenarios, voter suppression and fraud (there are multiple reports of electronic machines switching people’s votes and the machines can easily be hacked) on a scale that has not been seen in modern day American elections, even despite how undemocratic our democratic elections really are.

Getting back to the song, I love the song’s drum part.  I am beginning to get into Sabbath.  The education has begun.

Ronnie Hudson’s “West Coast Pop Lock” is funkNasty!  Borrowing Roger’s “So Ruff, So Tuff” groove while sing-rapping about pop locking, which is a west coast dance style.

“Cecilia” by Simon & Garfunkle.  Probably my favorite songs of theirs, partly due to having the pleasure of owning it on vinyl. I dunno, don’t really feel like talking about the pasty duo.  Makes me strangely uncomfortable.  Like I am going back in time to two years ago.  Say it ain’t so Joe!  America is about always looking forward, always moving forward, while looking back to the past for the inspiration. Ronald Reagan looked back to fictional-1950s leave it to beaver suburban America and romanticized farm tales for the language to weave his myth of America. Mussolini would be proud.  Forward, Baby, Forward!

I can identify with the message of “Brown-Baggin’,” by 24 Carat-Black.  Being a fan of cold beverages and drinking in novel places, I am familiar with the concept of brown-baggin’.  A cool, cold one drunk whether drunk on the beach, out in the woods, in an urban alleyway, or the parking lot of a football game synthesizes drinking and the outdoors.  Buckeye Brent Musburger and I can at least agree on that.

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